Day 1: Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for da bird in da Pear tree. I fix it las' night with dirty rice. I don't tink da Pear tree.will grow in da swamp, so I swap it for Fig tree.

Day 2: Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but all I got was two scrawny pigeons. Anyway, I mixed dem with andouille an made some gumbo out of dem.

Day 3: Dear Boudreaux, Why don't you send some crawfish? I'm tired of eating dem darn birds. I gave two of da prissy French chickens to Marie Trahan over at Grand Bayou an fed the tird one to my dog Phideaux. Marie needed some sparring partners for her fighting rooster.

Day 4: Dear Boudreaux, Mon Dieux! I told you no more friggin birds. Deez four, what you call dem "calling birds" were so noisy you could hear dem all de way to Napoleonville. I used dere necks for my crab traps, an fed da rest of dem to da gators.

Day 5: Dear Boudreaux, You finally sen' somethin useful. I like dem golden rings, me. I hocked dem at da pawn shop in Thibodaux and got enuf money to fix da shaft on my shrimp boat an buy a round for da boys at da Rajun' Cajun Lounge. Merci Beaucoup!

Day 6: Dear Boudreaux, Couchon! Back to da birds, you coonass turkey! Poor egg suckin' Phideaux is scared to death at dem six geases. He tried to eat dem eggs and dey peck da heck out ah his snout. Dey good at eating cockroaches, though. I may stuff one of dem wit oyster dressing on Christmas day.

Day 7: Dear Boudreaux, I'm gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you. Badeaux, da mailman, is ready to kill ya. The merde from all dem birds is stinkin' up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and sue him good. I let those seven swans loose to swim on da bayou and some duck hunters from Mississippi blasted dem out of da water.

Day 8: Dear Boudreaux, poor ole Badeaux, he had to make three trips on his mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids a milkin and their cows. One of dem cows got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over da boat. I don't like dem shiftless maids, me no. I told dem to get to work guttin fish and sweeping the shack but dey say it wasn't in dair contract. Dey probably think dey too good ta skin nutrias I caught last night.

Day 9: Dear Boudreaux, What you trying to do huh? Badeaux had to borrow the Lutcher ferry to carry dem jumpin twits you call Lords-a-Leaping across the bayou. As soon as dey gots here dey wanted a tea break with crumpets. I don't know what dat means but I says, "Well La Di Da.You get Chicory coffee or nuttin." Mon Dieu, Emile. What I'm gonna feed all dese bozos? Dey too snooty for fried nutria, and de cows done eat my turnip greens.

Day 10: Dear Boudreaux, You got to be outs you mind! If da mailman don't kill you, I will for sure. Today he deliver 10 half nekked floozies from Bourbon Street. Dey said dey be "Ladies Dancin" but dey don't act like ladies in front of dose Limey twits. Dey almost left after one of dem got bit by a water moccasin over by da out-house. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde an had to get toilet paper; The Sears catalog wasn't good enuf for dose hoity toity Lords' royal behinds.

Day 11: Dear Boudreaux, where you at? Cheerio an pip pip. Your 11 pipers piping arrived today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got off da boat. We fixed stuffed goose and beef jambalaya, finished da whiskey and we having a fais-do-do. Da new mailman he drink a bottle of Jack Daniel an he having a good time, yeah, dancing with de floozies. Badeaux, he jump off de Sunshine Bridge yesterday, screaming you name. If you get a mysterious, ticking package in da mail, don't open it.

Day 12: Dear Boudreaux, I sorry to tell ya but I not your true love anymore, no. After da fais-do-do, I spent da night with Jacque, da head piper. We decide to open a restaurant and gentleman's club on da bayou. The floozies, pardon me, Ladies dancing, can make $20 for a table dance, and da Lords can be waiters an valet park da boats. Since da maids don't have no more cows to milk, I trained dem to set my crab traps, watch my trout lines, an' run my shrimping business. We will probably gross a million clams next year.